Archive of the Odd

Welcome to our newest web feature, Found Fiction Friday! With authors’ permission, we’ll be posting stories from our issues online. Formatting is still unique to the books, but the story is free for all to read.

Today’s story is by EV Smith. EV Smith writes sci-fi, fantasy, cyberpunk, Weird, and anything else under the sun (or sometimes beyond it). EV Smith became an archival assistant starting with Issue 2, proving that no one is truly safe from the mycelial mass. @icelandicrain

It originally appeared in Issue 1.

Warnings: None apply

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Welcome to the HYGGE® KULLEN product support page Q&A. Please submit all questions to the box below, and we will answer them as soon as possible. Thank you for choosing the HYGGE® family.

Q: What is the KULLEN? Order #0000001

A: The HYGGE® KULLEN is a simple 3 drawer chest with a clean look that fits right in, in a bedroom or wherever you place it.

Q: How long do I have to pick up my KULLEN? Order #0000001

A: Currently, our Call to Collect program runs on a weekly basis. Please see our Call and Collect page for more details.

Q: Can I modify the drawers at all? Order #2011351

A: DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE modify or stray from the assembly, installation and maintenance instructions that come with your KULLEN. Any variation from instructions will result in risk of malfunction or injury, and will void any return policies or warranty.

Q: I assembled this thing, but there are some parts left over. Did I screw up? Order #3017359

A: Some items are sent with extra parts in case of an incident. Please assemble all HYGGE® furniture according to the instructions provided with your item.

Q: There is strange writing down each piece of wood in black. I don’t know what the language is. It sort of swirls down the side, and I swear sometimes it changes when I look away. Is it Swedish? Order #9136875

A: Sometimes individual pieces are labeled for convivence in shipping and manufacturing. The text should be hidden when the KULLEN is assembled. Do not worry about any strange text on the HYGGE® KULLEN.

Q: I recently assembled my dresser, and now there is black ink or paint smudging across my walls around it. Sometimes, even when I don’t remember touching the drawers, my hands are covered in it. Is the paint bleeding? What can I do about this? Order #9136875

A: HYGGE® paints are made with the highest quality performance in mind. If you have issue with a specific product, please contact our Customer Satisfaction desk (1-800-43-HYGGE) and they can issue you a partial refund on your purchase.

Q: How am I supposed to anchor this thing to the wall? Order #3017359

A: In order to safely anchor the KULLEN to the wall and prevent hazards of entrapment, customers can order a free wall-attachment repair kit for self-installation or HYGGE® will provide a one-time, free in-home installation service.

Q: Is furniture assembly available for my KULLEN? Order #0000001

A: Furniture assembly and mounting are available for most HYGGE® items. Taskers follow assembly instructions and will secure items to the wall when specified.

Q: I’m having a reoccurring nightmare about being trapped inside the drawers, unable to get out, or even breathe. My wife tells me this is ridiculous— it is, right? There’s no way to get stuck in there? Order #9136875

A: There is no risk of adults being trapped inside the HYGGE® KULLEN.  Please monitor higher-risk small children according to HYGGE® Furniture Guidelines. We at HYGGE® uphold the highest standards of safety and consideration in our products.

Q: Are the hinges supposed to creak open slowly? Sometimes this happens in the middle of the night. I swear, I can hear it right before I fall asleep. I hate the noise. It almost sounds like screaming. Order #9136875

A: If your KULLEN is making unnecessary noise, it may be advisable to oil the hinges and tracks. You can find a guide on approved oiling methods in your HYGGE® assembly and maintenance instructions. A properly anchored and oiled KULLEN should not make any unnecessary noise.

Q: Does this thing come with a warranty? Order #3017359

A: Certain HYGGE® product are covered under a limited warranty. Warranty claims must be accompanied by a proof of purchase (receipt or order confirmation) and are subject to inspection.  To see the list of products covered under warranty, please look: Product Warranties. Warranties do not apply to products that have been stored or assembled incorrectly, used inappropriately, abused, misused, altered, or cleaned with incorrect cleaning methods or incorrect cleaning products. The limited warranties do not cover normal wear and tear, cuts or scratches, impacts, or accidents.

Q: One of the drawers on my cabinet came out from its slot. Can I fix this, or do I need to buy a new one? Order #9136875

A: Repair of under-warranty items is free with proof of purchase (receipt or order confirmation) and employee authorization. To have this repaired, please bring the KULLEN to the nearest HYGGE® location at you earliest convenience.

Q: I had another nightmare about the drawers. It was making that horrible hinges sound while I was trying to sleep, even though I swear I oiled the hinges like you said. I mean, I didn’t look at the manual, but all hinges work the same, so I don’t see why this would be any different. I thought that I must have fallen asleep despite the sound, but when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t in bed anymore. Everything around me was cramped and dark, and smelled like burning sawdust. Even in the dream, that creaking noise filled my ears, and the screeching whine of if made it hard to focus on anything. I can’t help but think that’s what death looks like, being in there.  I don’t think the walls got any smaller, but it did suddenly get harder and harder to move. Harder and harder to breathe. I swear at one point it was so hard to move I couldn’t blink.  I sat there, in the dark, suffocating. When I woke up, I would have been screaming, but I couldn’t speak. Could that happen? Order #9136875

A: There is no risk of adults being trapped inside the HYGGE® KULLEN.  To repeat, you are not in any danger from your HYGGE® KULLEN, so long as it is maintained and installed properly. Small parts may present a choking hazard to children under the age of 5. Please follow HYGGE® assembly and maintenance instructions to ensure your safety.

Q: I heard a ton of movement noises from the two remaining drawers. I think there’s something alive in there. Order #7146878

A: Please format your submissions as questions, while being as clear and concise as possible. We thank you for reaching out to HYGGE® support.

Q: I’m really gonna hope that it’s a possum. How to get a possum out from a dresser drawer? Order #7146878

A: Consider the purchase of a NJUTNING vase and scented sticks in Camphor scent and the NÄVLINGE LED clamp light. Bright lights and strong scents should drive most natural animals away. Here at HYGGE® we are committed to selling you the solution to your household needs.

Q: So, there is now black paint showing up all over my house. The other day I found some on the ceiling. Can I paint a sealant over the dresser? Order #9136875

A: It is not advised that you apply any substance unauthorized in the KULLEN assembly and maintenance instructions. The FULLKOMLIG sustainable table cover may be used in preventing contact with the surface of the KULLEN. It is made from recycled polyester, PET bottles and other sources, giving new life to old plastic. Naturally, they’re clean and safe in every way. And perhaps the very best part – you contribute to using less new raw materials too.

 Q: I’m trying to fix the drawer, but when I put my hand into it, I can’t find the back. How deep are the dimensions on this thing? Order #3017359

A: Please do not attempt to fix the HYGGE® KULLEN on your own. To do so would risk damage and voiding of the warranty. It is not safe to do so. If your KULLEN is in need of repair, please bring it in to our free warranty repair service with proof of purchase.  HYGGE® is not responsible for damages caused by the misuse of our products.

Q: I woke up this morning to find black paint EVERYWHERE. There’s a trail of black on the bathroom floor. There’s black on the kitchen counter. There’s a GIANT patch of black over my wife’s side of the bed. What the hell happened? Order #9136875

A: HYGGE® is not responsible for damages caused by the misuse of our products. Please follow HYGGE® assembly and maintenance instructions, to ensure your safety.

Q: I still get the nightmares. These days, it just sounds like screaming in the dark. There’s been no trace of my wife, and I still can’t get any of the drawers of that godforsaken box of evil open. My hands are permanently stained black. I wrapped it in duct tape and locked it in the study, but SOMETHING has been coming out of the dresser. It doesn’t matter how well I secure it; I find its little footprints in black in the kitchen. On the ceiling. In the hotel that I moved into yesterday. My wife has been missing for three days. I KNOW it has something to do with that horrible screaming. I can still hear it, from the hinges, before I sleep.  What the hell is going on? Order #9136875

A: Tape is not an approved repair material for HYGGE® products. Please follow HYGGE® assembly and maintenance instructions, to ensure your safety.

Q: Where the hell is my wife? Order #9136875

A:  Thank you for choosing HYGGE® for your furniture needs. Our return policy can be found here, and you can reach us at 1-800-43-HYGGE between 7am and 10pm or at your nearest HYGGE® location. HYGGE®, we value the trust and confidence our customers place in us. Your satisfaction is our goal.